How to help a friend?

Barftone

Barftone

Well-Known Member
Myself and bob (hope u don,t mind Bob) have a dilemma. Our friend Steve...who many of you know from his trips along to various nationals, etc is not a well bunny. He has on and off for quite a few years now suffered from stomach problems (serious). Since the start of this year he is suffering again and cannot stray far and despite our attempts to contact him/cheer him up he has withdrawn into his shell which we respect but cannot help but worry about him...both physically and dare I say mentally. Has anyone got any advice or do we just keep plugging away and keep texting and leaving messages on his ansaphone to see if he is doing OK? We have both knocked on his door ad hoc a few times with no joy. Obviously his family are also worried but don,t know what else to do. I cannot imagine what he is going through but you do wonder if the authorities are doing everything to help him or do they know the full story...Sorry it,s a bit heavy and maybe this is not respecting his privacy but he needs help...any ideas?
 
Probably a case of just keep reminding him you are there when he needs you and hope he reaches out to you when he's ready.
 
Barftone said:
and dare I say
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Yes, and more people should. This taboo on mental stuff is a killer, lots of people are not seeking help out of fear/pride/whatever because "they're not crazy", (the traditional English stiff upper lip is an extra handicap, here) thus muddling on on their own and sinking deeper into depression. And indeed that's not "crazy". Very few people are "crazy". It's a completely normal response that any of us would probably have to the sort of situation you describe.

But yes, what Ian said. Keep reaching out, don't go silent even if nothing seems to come back for a while. One thing to remember: Depression lies. Can't argue with it, it's not rational. It drags you down, makes everything look grim, makes the light at the end of the tunnel look like an oncoming Eurostar. Steve, on the off chance you're reading this, I won't tell you to cheer up. But hang in there. Try to keep moving, to not get stuck in a hole, to keep doing stuff (no matter how small) that ought/used to make you happy, even if it really doesn't feel like it will at this time. I know everybody always keeps nattering on about that and right now it'll feel like it's stupid and wrong and we're all full of it, but it does eventually work.
 
Worrying times really.

We've seen him get physically ill before and then the depression but this time it seems worse. I managed to speak to him last week and he said that he couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel. He desperately doesn't want to have surgery again and just wants the problem to resolve itself.

It's hard to know what to do for the best at the moment, any ideas anyone?
 
When my wife suffered, after our car accident 19 years ago, I went to counselling. One of the things I learned was that I had to stop trying to cheer her up all the time and stop saying encouraging platitudes and stop running round trying to do everything for her. As an interfering busy-body that was hard, especially with someone you care for. But I understood that for her to get better she had to get better herself and no amount of joviality and cheeriness from me was going to do that.

That's not much help, I know. And Steve might not be in the same place, but perhaps all he needs is to know you (we) are there for him if needed.

Say hello from me and bring him back up to London for another visit when he's up to it.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
Rubberchicken said:
Barftone said:
and dare I say
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But yes, what Ian said. Keep reaching out, don't go silent even if nothing seems to come back for a while. One thing to remember: Depression lies. Can't argue with it, it's not rational. It drags you down, makes everything look grim, makes the light at the end of the tunnel look like an oncoming Eurostar. Steve, on the off chance you're reading this, I won't tell you to cheer up. But hang in there. Try to keep moving, to not get stuck in a hole, to keep doing stuff (no matter how small) that ought/used to make you happy, even if it really doesn't feel like it will at this time. I know everybody always keeps nattering on about that and right now it'll feel like it's stupid and wrong and we're all full of it, but it does eventually work.
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Can't add anything to that!
 
austin said:
Drugs.
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This usually isn't a matter of just popping a paracetamol or two.

If you're talking about antidepressants, they're horrible nasty things that we only barely understand. They're blunt instruments with heaps of side effects, one of which is usually nausea and feeling utterly shit for a few weeks before they even start working, which is not necessarily a given for any given person-pill combination. They're often a last resort when other things like a bit of guidance or therapy fails.
 
Rubberchicken said:
austin said:
Drugs.
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This usually isn't a matter of just popping a paracetamol or two.

If you're talking about antidepressants, they're horrible nasty things that we only barely understand. They're blunt instruments with heaps of side effects, one of which is usually nausea and feeling utterly shit for a few weeks before they even start working, which is not necessarily a given for any given person-pill combination. They're often a last resort when other things like a bit of guidance or therapy fails.
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I totally and utterly agree Michel, drugs do nothing to help depression in my opinion, they just make the situation worse.
 
I've had a few goes at typing a response but they just didn't sound right,
I've no advice really over what has been said.
Steve is a sound guy and we had a decent chat last Oct (?) at Tonys birthday bash.
If anyone does manage to get in touch, please pass our regards & thoughts in this tough time & hopefully Steve will be in a better place in times to come.

In the meantime Bob & Tony, don't lose heart at the lack of response from Steve - just 'be there' for when he does want his mates close by.

If you're reading this Steve, keep strong, it may not seem like it but better times ARE there in the future.

Phil, Vanessa & Toby
 
boboneleg said:
austin said:
Drugs.


Sent from my iPhone with a smile :)
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I'm not quite sure what you mean by that Austin.
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Everyone I have ever known who got severely depressed has got better with the help of drugs of some sort. I suppose I meant try and make sure he is seeing a doc and if prescribed drugs he is taking them. The only other thing I would add is while not ignoring his illnesses is not to make too big a thing of them. IMHE people (blokes especially) don't like being made a fuss of, don't like to talk about their illness all the time, don't like being treated as fragile, and don't really want to be identified only as a sufferer of whatever it is. A bit of normality is great therapy......whenever he is ready but keep including him, he will join in when the time is right for him.


Sent from my iPhone with a smile :)
 
Thanks for your responses. What I cannot imagine is the pain of literally having to be near a loo all the time and my stomach hurting all the time. I can imagine the depression bit because a few years back I had trouble sleeping and then you can,t operate. Work pressure triggered it at the time. I had 2 months off and was on pills for a year and as said previously you get worse before you get better....but they did help eventually and a combination of that, sorting out a new role at work (had to sort myself), and some Cognative Behaviour Therapy got me through it and touch wood I have been OK since....however...like a bad back....it is always in the cupboard so you need to be careful. I think Steve knows people are there for him and when he is ready but sometimes I wonder if he needs a push? What I kinda mean is ....if someone grabbed Paul Gascoigne lets say and gave him no options....could he be sorted? What I do know is Steve loves his bikes and sipping a beer in a foreign bar with a chuff on his rollup so the last text just said Revest? In ref to a great break a couple of years back....Obviously will keep trying.....Always joked we are screwed in the swede once we get past 40!
 
Quite a sad thread guys.

Not to elaborate or be a smart ass, but I guess he's tried treatment outwith the national health ?
Some if these guys are last chance saloon, but maybe that's the ticket.


Sincerely hope it goes ok for you guys

It's good that he has such fine friends looking after him :respect:
 
I managed to speak to him last week on the phone and asked if he had private healthcare John, he doesn't so he's left to whatever the NHS can offer him. He had a bad experience six years ago in the Royal United hospital in Bath so he think that's why he dreads going back there.

Tony and I are definitely there for him, we're just not sure whether we should push him a bit or not (in a nice way).
 
Bob,Tony, Has The third member of the Moob's stopped going out on the Bike? support is the best way forward. You guys know him best. Sometimes talking to a suitable medical professional about his problems. Can help you help Him.
 
Met him a couple of times and he's a nice bloke so sorry to hear of his troubles.

I sincerely hope he gets the help he needs and makes a full recovery, both physically and mentally. Depression is a very bad thing, often scoffed at by those that have neither suffered with it or know someone who has suffered with it.

I'm fearful of giving advice because the fear is that I give the wrong advice and make things worse. My gut instinct is to not cut contact with him, don't mither him though by texting and phoning all the time. Send him a txt if you're going for a ride, inviting him along, or if you're going out for a pint etc... Word it in such a way that he doesn't have to respond to the txt but he can if he fancies meeting you but if not, no harm, that sort of thing.

Also, is there any medical professionals that he's registered with (because of his condition) that you can badger and try to get him seen to sooner rather than later? It may be the case that he needs some support in that area because let's face it, trying to get appointments etc can be absolutely draining and he probably just can't be arsed so may need help with those things.

Please keep us updated on how he's doing.
 
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